Star Wars Blu-ray: DO NOT WANT!

Yes! Unleash your Nerd Rage, Lord Vader!

What is there to say about George Lucas that hasn't already been said? It's been six years since the last Star Wars prequel, so the rabid fan hate has died down a little.

Cue earlier this week, when Lucasfilm confirmed that a clip from the soon-to-be-released Star Wars Blu-ray edition was genuine.

The scene in question is was one of the best in the Original Trilogy. Palpatine is cooking Luke with lightning while Vader looks on. There's no dialogue, but we can imagine the torture inflicted on the man behind the mask.

When Vader finally snaps, he wordlessly turns to the Emperor, picks him up and tosses his ass into the nearest bottomless pit. It was sudden, and all the more dramatic because the Dark Lord never uttered a word. You can imagine he thought "Enough of this shit," before consigning his master – and himself – to death to save his son.

Instead, the Blu-ray edition interjects an entirely unnecessary "Noooo!" over Vader's heroic last act. You'll remember a similar bit from Revenge of the Sith, where Vader bellowed after learning that Padmé was dead.




The whole prequel callback is nothing new; the DVD edition of the OT (which came out shortly before RotS) inserted a Gungan into one of the final scenes and replaced Boba Fett's voice with prequel actor Temura Morrison's.

The phenomenon of Lucas' meddling with the OT is nothing new, but this is the final straw for me, and a lot of other fans, I'm sure. I don't own a Blu-ray player anyway, so the new release of all six films doesn't mean that much to me.

At this point, I'm inclined to shun the Special Edition/DVD versions entirely and pick up the original prints on DVD (quietly released a few years ago). Sadly, these haven't gotten the digital cleanup process (though they never fixed the lightsabers and "black slugs").

I wonder if Lucas is completely beyond redemption. In his battle to save his livelihood and vision, he lost sight of what made Star Wars great. Now he's obsessed with rewriting history, remaking classic films with technology that was but a dream in the 70s. It just doesn't work; perfectly good can't be made better retroactively.

You know what George, go make some new films. Not Star Wars films. He bitched for years that he wanted to make small, experimental features. Go do it! Money isn't the issue. And you obviously do not give a single fuck what people think of your craft.

Speaking of Lucas films, Red Tails will look pretty, but suck. Calling that right now. I don't care what is involvement was, anything the man has touched since The Last Crusade has been crap, at least compared to the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Let's pray that Indy is done being raped after the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth. I'd hate to see the original three ruined… wait. You know what, do what you will with Temple of Doom, it's asking for it.

A few "Nooo!"s for Mola Rham should do the trick.

Blu-ray Harvest

As a fanboy, it is my duty to offer baseless speculation on media or products that are months away from release. The hallowed release of the “Star Wars” saga on Blu-ray is no exception.

I may be a fanboy, but I’m a very selective one. Too many fans get stuck in a rut as Original Trilogy-defending curmudgeons, decrying anything “Star Wars” released after 1983 to be sacrilegious crap. And they’re mostly right, except for a few instances. They just need to remove the lightsaber from their Sarlacc pit and lighten up.

OMG NSFW SW!

I bet you thought this linked to the goods.
Sorry, I suck at Web design, OK?

 

Hey, kids! Do you like "Star Wars"? You do? Super! Do you also enjoy foul language and sex jokes? Well golly, do we have the webcomic for you, courtesy of Javis Ray of Cincinnati, Ohio.

Click here to have a gander. Definitely NSFW. And I won't even insult your intelligence with an age verification widget (though I'd like to).

Tell me this doesn't make you chuckle... or haunt your dreams. Javis is a coworker of mine who's in the process of getting this sick and twisted webcomic series up on the interwebs. I'm not sure if you can really get more nerdy and obscene at the same time, but I'm sure he'll try.

And if you would be so kind as to suggest a title for the comic, it would be appreciated.

R.I.P. Irvin Kershner, 1923-2010

Irvin Kershner, director of "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" (among other films, but who cares?) died earlier today in Los Angeles.

The Kersh will, of course, best be remembered for directing the sequel to "Star Wars," a daunting task if there ever was one. But I'll be damned if he didn't knock it right out of the park. Fanboys will no doubt debate the rankings of the "Star Wars" films for years to come, but we can all agree that ESB was the best. It will remain a shining example of the franchise, and sci-fi/fantasy in general.

I'm grateful that the Kersh lived long enough to see the 30th anniversary of his landmark film and the joy it's brought to millions of people (including myself) around the world. Really, what greater legacy can an artist ask for?

There is no death, there is the Force.

"The Clone Wars" jumps the Hutt

[Disclaimer: this entry contains strong language, both literally and figuratively]

“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” has finally jumped the shark… er, Hutt.

As a long time Star Wars fan, I’ve suffered a few indignities along the way. Sometimes, I find myself agreeing with detractors and naysayers. Yes, the prequel trilogy wasn’t as good as the original. I don’t hate Jar Jar Binks or Ewoks, but I wouldn’t mind them being stricken from canon.

“The Clone Wars” is no different. Ostensibly, it’s a show for children. Just look at all the merchandizing. Older fans like me are mostly invested for the story. But even that is tenuous at best; for every enjoyable throwback to the original films, we’re subjected to the same scattershot crap that plagued the prequels.

Bioshock-ing News

I've given up on trying to protect my childhood. George Lucas raped it with the Star Wars prequels. J.J. Abrams raped it with last year's Star Trek. I could go on about the things wrong with the new "Trek," but I this isn't the time or place.

It seems that I shouldn't even savor the escapism of my adult years, either. We can all agree that video game movies are terrible. Thankfully, most of the adaptations have been limited to games I have had little attachment to. But with Hollywood's ravenous appetite, sooner or later one of my beloved franchises would be desecrated.

I just found out today that a "Bioshock" movie is in the works.

Customize This!

This took me longer than I anticipated. Actually, my series of video game character action figures was supposed to debut on Game Brain a couple of months ago. What can I say, I've been busy. And one can only sit fussing over small pieces of plastic so long before insanity takes hold.

Though I've been customizing action figures for years, I've only just started getting good at it. I've learned a few new techniques that really increase the quality of my paint jobs and swap parts out. Because action figures keep going up in price, and parts from different figures are rarely compatible, customs can sit on the shelf for months before they have all the ingredients. The next big step for me is to learn sculpting: there's a special clay that cures into a plastic-like substance that takes stress a lot better than the Sculpey I've been using. But that's a whole new ballgame that'll take many more years to master.

I've really come to appreciate the amount of articulation Hasbro puts into their G. I. Joe, Star Wars, and Marvel action figure lines. Having soft goods capes and bendable items like holsters and harnesses are a big plus. It's nice to be able to buy a dull G. I. Joe figure and be able to use his accessories with Star Wars figures. Very rarely do I work on a custom using only one toyline for parts (unless it's a repaint).

So, all I need is a little more time to get my first video game custom photographed. There'll be another two customs hot on his heels, so be on the lookout. I have to get back to work now and get that second coat of paint on.